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  PING!

  I say, ‘What was that?’ and I look all around and Nandini says, ‘That’s your washing all dry.’

  Mummy goes to the machine and opens the door and pulls the clothes out and pushes them into the bag on the floor. Nandini crouches down next to her and she’s rubbing her back even though Mummy’s not coughing. She’s saying something quiet in Mummy’s ear and Mummy says, ‘I know. I know. I’m just being silly.’ Then the bag is full and Mummy stands up and hangs it on Toby’s buggy. My belly goes hard and hurty.

  Mummy’s crying.

  Emma hands Mummy a tissue and Mummy wipes her eyes and her nose and I say, ‘Mummy, what’s happened? Have you hurt yourself?’ and Nandini says, ‘Don’t worry, Boss, your Mum’s just having a moment.’

  Mummy sniffs and smiles all wobbly and says, ‘I’m fine, Jesika. Nothing’s happened.’ And I think it can’t be nothing cos people cry when something happens, not when nothing happens.

  Mummy smiles again and it’s not wobbly this time and she says, ‘Come on, poppet, we need to get you to preschool. We’ll be late if we don’t hurry.’ She picks up my coat off Toby’s buggy and holds it out so I can put my arms into it and she says, ‘Chin up,’ and zips my coat right to the top and then she says, ‘What do you say to Nandini?’

  I say, ‘Thank you for the jam sandwiches, Nandini,’ and Nandini says, ‘You’re very welcome, Boss.’

  Nandini picks up another bag from the floor and hangs it on the other side of Toby’s buggy and says, ‘Here’s the washing that was in the other dryer.’

  Mummy says, ‘Oh! I forgot all about that. I’m sorry!’

  Nandini puts her hand on Mummy’s shoulder and says, ‘Tina, it’s not a problem. You don’t have to do this alone. We can help. Just ask, OK?’

  Mummy’s smile wobbles again and she says, ‘OK.’

  Mummy zips her own coat up and Emma grabs Toby’s buggy and says, ‘I’ll give you a hand with that. I’ve got to get going too,’ and she kisses Nandini and pushes Toby back through the shop.

  On the busy-rushy street, the wind zooms all round us and it’s bitey and cold and everyone rushing past is bending over like the wind is pushing them along. I can feel the wind pushing me too but I stick my feet hard on the pavement and the wind pushes and pushes me but I’m more stronger than the wind.

  Mummy takes the buggy from Emma and says, ‘Thanks, Emma, I really appreciate the reassurance.’

  Emma lifts her shoulders up and down and one side of her mouth is smiling and the other side isn’t smiling. She says, ‘Tell the docs what you told me. They should give you some antibiotics for it.’ She shivers and stamps her feet and pulls her furry hood up and her Mr Messy hair peeks out the sides and blows around her face and then she squeezes Mummy’s shoulder and says, ‘And get them to check you out too,’ then she walks away and crosses the road quick, not even looking at the green man, and Mummy says only grown-ups are allowed to do that, and Emma gets to the other side and I see her looking at us and I smile and wave and she smiles and waves too and then there’s a noisy blue lorry next to me and Mummy and Toby and I can’t see Emma now.

  Mummy says, ‘Time to dash, Jesika. We’re going to be late!’ And we walk fast and fast away from Emma and I think maybe she’s not a scary person after all. Maybe she was just pretending to be scary.

  3

  THE INSIDE DOOR to preschool is locked so Mummy has to ring the bell and we wait and wait and wait and then I see Stella coming to open the door and I think she looks cross but when she opens the door she’s all smiley at me and she says, ‘Hello, Jesika! We didn’t think you were coming today!’ and her voice is squeaky-happy. Then she says to Mummy, ‘You’re very late this afternoon, Tina,’ and she’s speaking in her grown-up voice now cos Stella can switch her squeaky-happy voice on and off.

  Mummy says, ‘Sorry, it’s been one of those days.’

  Stella does some more talking and Mummy’s still holding my hand and she’s squeezing and squeezing tight and tight and I say, ‘Ow! Mummy you’re squeezing my hand too tight!’ And Mummy lets go and says, ‘Take your coat off and hang it up, Jesika,’ and I unzip my coat all by myself, cos that’s more easy than zipping it up, and then I stop and stare cos I’ve just seen something actually really special.

  Stella’s spiky fingers have proper tiny rainbows on them and there’s a sparkly jewel stuck under each one! I tug Mummy’s hand and whisper to her, ‘Guess what, Mummy! Stella’s got rainbows on her fingers!’ But Mummy doesn’t look like she thinks it’s special.

  Stella says, ‘It’s for Rainbow Week,’ and she flutters her fingers in the air and then shows me one nail proply close and points another nail to all the colours and I know red and yellow and orange and green and blue but I didn’t know there were colours called violent and indy go. Stella stands up and then she’s looking at me and her face says that something’s wrong and she says, ‘Oh dear, did you forget it was Red day? Green day isn’t until Wednesday. Everyone’s in red today.’

  I peep past her to the preschool room and I can see lots of red jumpers and skirts and trousers and T-shirts and Stella’s face is all creased and sad cos I’m wearing my fayvrit green skirt and green jumper that’s got stripes so I think that means I can’t go to preschool today cos I’m not wearing red like everyone else and now my eyes are stingy and I really want to go and play with the toys and it’s all Mummy’s fault cos she forgotted to tell me I was apposed to wear red today and my foot is stamping and I say, ‘It’s all your fault, Mummy. You didn’t tell me it was Red day. You should have told me!’

  Mummy says, ‘Oh, for goodness’ sake,’ all spiky in my ear and she tugs my coat off all cross and hangs it on my peg.

  Stella says, ‘Jesika, I’m sure your Mummy didn’t forget on purpose.’

  I say, ‘Mummy’s forgotted everything today. She even forgotted our lunch and Nandini gave me jam sandwiches instead.’

  Mummy says, ‘Well, sorry, Jesika, for not being a perfect Mummy who remembers everything and gives you jam sandwiches every day. Maybe you should go right back to the laundrette and ask Nandini to be your Mummy!’

  I stare and stare at Mummy and I say, ‘I don’t want Nandini to be my Mummy.’

  But Mummy doesn’t say anything cos she’s putting her hands far, far into one of the clean washing bags on the back of Toby’s buggy and she pulls out a red zippy top and I hope it’s the one with the strawberry on it cos I like that one best but I can’t see cos she tucks it under her arm and then she says, ‘Arms up,’ and she pulls the green jumper over my head and puts it on the back of Toby’s buggy and then crouches down and holds out the red zippy top so I can push my arms in and I’m looking down to see if it’s the strawberry top and she zips me up fast and fast.

  OW! HOT-STINGY-OW! OW! OW!

  My hand flies through the air and then Mummy is squeezing it tight and tight and her eyes are zapping me and she says, ‘You do not hit me, young lady!’ And I didn’t know I was going to hit Mummy but now I’m crying and my chin is stinging and stinging cos Mummy forgotted to say, ‘Chin up,’ when she zipped me up and I’m trying to tell Mummy that my chin is stinging and I didn’t mean to hit her but I can’t stop crying and my foot is stamping and stamping and then Stella is holding my hand and pulling me away from Mummy and I haven’t said I’m sorry to Mummy yet but Stella keeps pulling and she says, ‘Leave her with us. She’ll calm down as soon as she can’t see you. Three thirty for pick up, remember. Don’t worry, she’ll be fine,’ and she whooshes me away from Mummy and Toby afore I can kiss Mummy better or even kiss her and Toby for goodbye, and now I’m crying more and more.

  Stella stops me just inside the playroom and she kneels down and everyone’s noisy-busy all around and Stella says, ‘You need to calm down before you go and play, Jesika. Take some big breaths, Jesika. Big Breaths.’ And she’s using her grown-up-important voice cos she wants me to listen to her and I know Big Breaths and I do them and do them and it stops me crying but it doesn’
t stop the hurty pain in my belly and I want Mummy to cuddle it better but Mummy’s gone away and Mummy says I have to go to Nandini and tell her to be my Mummy now and …

  Stella’s pulling me into the playroom and she’s telling me all about the toys I can play with and I know all about the toys cos I play with them every day but I don’t want to play with them today and I don’t want to go into the playroom, I want Mummy to come back.

  Stella pulls my hand again and she says, ‘You must want to play with something, Jesika. What about the sand? You loved the sand last week,’ and her voice is squeaky-happy but her eyes are zapping like Mummy’s so maybe she’s cross that I tried to hit Mummy too and I think if she is cross, why is her voice not cross? How can you do cross eyes and a squeaky-happy voice at the same time? And she’s smiling and zapping and zapping and smiling and I don’t like it and I can feel my heart thumping and thumping and I pull back hard but Stella holds my hand tight and she’s pulling and pulling and I want my Mummy, I want my Mummy …

  hand-stuck-let-go-let-go-not-Mummy-scared-LET-GO-BITE!

  Oh!

  I’m pulling and pulling at the door and I can’t see Mummy through the window and Stella’s crouched right next to me and her eyebrows are right up at her hair and she’s grabbing my arm and her spiky fingers are pinching and her eyes are scary-bad and her face isn’t smiling any more and my belly’s twisting like I’m on a roundabout that’s whizzing too, too fast and my face is hot and I’m pushing and pulling away from Stella cos I have to find Mummy and Stella turns her head ahind her and she says, ‘She bit me!’ and then my feet lift right off the ground and I’m wrapped up tight and squashed, warm and soft, and I can’t see but I know it’s Kali cos it smells like Kali and it feels like Kali and it’s her bubbly-soft voice in my ears. I stop pushing and pulling and my belly stops twisting and I just cry and cry and Kali says, ‘It’s OK,’ lots and lots of times.

  When I stop crying, Kali lifts me off her knee and puts me back on my feet and holds my hands soft and soft and she says, ‘OK?’ and we’re in the Safe Corner where the Feelings Dollies are and then she lets go of my hands and I know she wants me to choose a dolly but I can’t cos my brain is whizzing all jumbled up and my belly’s whirling around again and Kali holds my hands again and says, ‘Smile. Take a deep breath. And Relax.’ And she says it again, and again, and again, and does the breathing with me.

  After a long-a-long time she says, ‘I think lots of things upset you all at once, didn’t they?’ And Kali’s voice wraps me up warm and soft and the whirling in my belly stops. She picks up three dollies and puts them on the squashy cushions in a line and she says, ‘Sad or Scared or Angry?’ And she says their names again and all the whizzing in my brain slows down and I pick up Scared and Angry and put them back in their pockets and I pick up Sad and cuddle her to me. Kali nods and says, ‘Can you tell me why you’re feeling sad?’

  I think about not wearing red and being cross with Mummy and Mummy being cross with me and changing my top and the zip biting my chin and me almost hitting Mummy and not saying sorry proply and Stella taking me away afore I could say it or even kiss Mummy better and not saying goodbye to Mummy or Toby and Stella pulling me and I think I hurted Stella and Stella hurted my arm when she pinched and Mummy’s so cross that she wants me to go and ask Nandini to be my Mummy instead and I don’t want a different Mummy and I say, ‘I want my Mummy!’ and my lips are wobbly and my belly hurts and hurts and Kali holds my hand soft and soft again and smiles and tells me Mummy will be back afore I know it and I say, ‘No, she won’t!’ and Kali says, ‘Of course she will, Jesika. Why wouldn’t she?’ And I say, ‘Cos she was cross and she said I have to ask Nandini to be my Mummy,’ and I’m crying again and Kali does the breathing words with me and I breathe and breathe and breathe.

  When I’m not crying any more, Kali says, ‘Have you ever done something you didn’t mean to when you were feeling cross?’ And I think about biting Stella and I nod my head and Kali says, ‘Well, your Mummy was feeling cross too and she said something she didn’t mean too. And I promise you, she’ll be back for you at home-time. I promise.’

  I say, ‘I have to say sorry to her for hitting.’ Kali nods and says, ‘Yes, and you also need to say something to Stella too, don’t you?’ My belly goes tight and tight and I look at Kali but her face isn’t cross and she says, ‘You felt sad when your Mummy left and you wanted Stella to let go of you so you could run after her and so you bit Stella because she wouldn’t let go. You may not bite. You can say, “Stop it!” or “Let go!” but you may not bite. Biting hurts people and you hurt Stella.’ And she gets me to hold my hand up like a STOP sign and I have to try saying, ‘Stop it!’ and ‘Let go!’ and then Kali says, ‘Well done, Jesika. You try that next time someone’s doing something you don’t like.’

  Kali takes my hand and we walk over to where Stella is and she’s doing silly dancing with Amber, Lucia and Katy, swooshing floaty scarves about and it looks very fun. Stella sees us and dances over breathing fast and fast and her cheeks are all pink and she crouches down next to me and her face and her eyes are both happy this time. Kali smiles at me and says, ‘Go on, Jesika,’ and I say, ‘I’m sorry I hurted you, Stella.’ And Stella says, ‘Thank you, Jesika.’ And I think it’s Stella’s turn now cos she hurted me too and I think she also didn’t mean it but you still have to say you’re sorry, but Stella doesn’t say anything. She’s dancing again with the scarves. Maybe grown-ups don’t have to say sorry. But that’s not right cos Mummy always says sorry when she does something she didn’t mean to.

  Kali squeezes my shoulder and says, ‘Well done, Jesika. Now, what do you want to do this afternoon?’ But then she has to dash away cos Azim’s knocked over one of the painting stands and there’s paint and water everywhere.

  I watch the floaty scarf dancing and I wait for Stella to ask if I want to dance with the floaty scarves too but she doesn’t look at me at all and I think maybe I’m not allowed to dance with the floaty scarves cos I hurted her, so I go and sit in the house cos no one else is in there and I don’t think I actually want to talk to anyone else and I think maybe I’ll just sit and sit til it’s home-time.

  The door on the house slams and I jump round from tucking baby in the cot and I see a girl squeeze herself small and small under the table and she’s not wearing red and I know this girl. She’s the girl that came to preschool with her Mummy the other day and her Mummy stayed with her all the time til it was time to go home again, but I don’t know what her name is.

  She stares at me with scary-wide eyes.

  I say, ‘You’re not wearing red.’

  Her lip wobbles and I think she must be scared and sad at the same time, and it remembers me that I felt scary-sad not wearing red too so I say, ‘My skirt’s not red,’ and I twirl right round so she can see it’s green all over. I crouch down so I can see her proply and say, ‘You came with your Mummy afore, didn’t you?’

  She keeps staring at me.

  I say, ‘What’s your name?’

  She’s still staring and not saying anything. Maybe my voice didn’t go in her ears cos there’s a lot-a-lot of busy noise and maybe that’s going in her ears instead. I crawl a bit closer and say, ‘My name’s Jesika.’

  She keeps staring. Maybe she doesn’t know what I said cos not everyone knows my name and sometimes people put the wrong letters in it and Mummy has to tell them the right letters.

  I say, ‘My Daddy picked my name from Poland. That’s where Bab-bab used to live a long-a-long time ago afore Daddy was a baby and now Daddy lives there all the time.’

  She turns right away from me so I can’t see her face, like Toby does when he’s hiding. Maybe she’s playing hide and seek!

  I say, ‘Are you playing hide and seek?’

  She doesn’t say anything.

  I say, ‘Can I play too?’ cos I love playing hide and seek with Mummy and Toby.

  The girl unhides her face and stares at me again and then she says, ‘Do you
have sweeties?’

  I say, ‘No.’

  She says, ‘You have to have sweeties.’

  I say, ‘Why?’

  The girl’s face is frowny and she says, ‘Cos you hide and then you get found and then you be a special-good-girl and then you get sweeties. That’s what you do. So you can’t play if you’ve not got sweeties.’

  Now I’m frowning and I say, ‘I didn’t know that. I don’t have any sweeties.’

  The girl stares at me.

  I say, ‘We could just play hiding and not have sweeties. That’s what I do with my Mummy and Toby.’

  The girl says, ‘I don’t want to,’ and she hides her face again.

  I tap her shoulder and I say, ‘Do you want to play babies with me instead?’

  She doesn’t speak and she curls up tight and tight. I think she doesn’t want to talk to anyone now.

  I go back to the cot and finish tucking baby in and I start singing Mummy’s bedtime song cept I forget some of the words and then I hear Tamanna singing, ‘Snack-time! Snack-time!’ And then she’s there, stretching tall as tall like a giraffe over the top of the house walls and tickling the top of my head and she says, ‘Time to go and wash your hands, Jesika.’ I don’t think she’s noticed the girl under the table but afore I can say anything, she’s danced over to the other side of the room singing, ‘Snack-time! Snack-time!’ for the other boys and girls. I tell the girl that we need to go but she’s still hiding her face and then Stella’s there telling me to hurry up and I point to the girl under the table but Stella’s already gone afore she sees and I say, ‘Come on, it’s time to go for snack,’ but the girl still isn’t listening, so I go to wash my hands.

  I want to sit on Kali’s table at snack-time today but we have to always sit on the same table with the same grown-up and my grown-up is Stella, not Kali. I sit down with Amber and Lucia and Lewis and Azim and Toby (Big Toby not my Toby – he’s too little for preschool) but Stella doesn’t sit down too like she usually does. She’s with Kali and Tamanna and Lauren and they’re all looking like something’s wrong and I hear Lauren say, ‘She must be here somewhere.’ And Tamanna says, ‘I’ll check the toilets again,’ and then rushes off and Kali goes to look in the Safe Place and Lauren goes to look in the book corner and Stella says, ‘Where is she?’ but she doesn’t seem to be looking cos she just stands there.