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  Delphine opens up her brown book and it’s not actually a book with pages. It’s just got lots of pieces of paper inside. Paulina picks up the piece of paper that she was writing on and hands it to Delphine and says, ‘I’m afraid I didn’t find out anything useful.’

  Delphine takes the paper and puts it in the brown book and waves her hand in the air and says, ‘No worries, it’s all sorted, for tonight at least.’ And then she turns to me and says, ‘Jesika, I think Paulina has already explained to you that your Mummy needs to stay in hospital tonight?’

  There’s a quiet space after she speaks. I think she wants me to say something and I say, ‘I want to go home with Mummy,’ and that’s not what I meaned to say cos I know Mummy’s staying in hopsipal today but the words just popped out of my mouth afore I could stop them.

  Delphine says, ‘I’m sure you do, darling, and we want you to go home with your Mummy as soon as possible too, but for now, we need to find you a safe place to stay until your Mummy is feeling better.’

  Delphine sorts through the pieces of paper and she turns one round for me to see and there’s a picture of a lady and a man smiling and Delphine says, ‘This is Jane and Duncan. They’re foster carers, which means they look after children, like you, who need a safe place to stay while they aren’t able to stay with their grown-ups.’ She lifts the piece of paper up and pushes it towards me like she wants me to hold it, but my hands are holding tight to Para-Ted.

  Paulina takes the paper and puts it on her knee so I can still see the lady called Jane and the man called Duncan and I look at Jane and then Duncan and then Jane again and they’re looking straight back at me and I’m not really sure why Delphine is showing me pictures of this lady and this man.

  Delphine says, ‘Is that OK, Jesika?’

  I look at Delphine. I don’t know what she is asking me. She’s nodding her head so I think she wants me to nod mine and so I do.

  Delphine says, ‘Now, Jane and Duncan live a little way away from here and because they normally look after older children – they’re looking after you as a special favour – they don’t keep any spare car seats, so I’ve arranged to drive you over there myself. OK?’

  Delphine nods her head again when she asks but I don’t nod back this time. I look at Paulina and I look at the picture of the lady called Jane and the man called Duncan and I say, ‘I want to go home with Mummy,’ and the words just pop out of my mouth again like last time cept this time my lips are wobbling and Paulina puts her arm around my shoulders and squeezes me tight and says, ‘Shhh, shhh,’ lots and lots of times.

  Delphine gets off the table and kneels down in front of me and says, ‘You must be feeling very scared, Jesika, but I promise you that Jane and Duncan are lovely people and they will look after you very carefully, and first thing tomorrow I will contact the hospital and find out how your Mummy’s doing and, before you know it, I’m sure you’ll be back at home with her.’

  I look at Paulina and her eyes are sparkly and she’s smiling and nodding her head and she kisses me right on top of my head and whispers buzzy words in my ear and it fills me up all warm and then she says, ‘Be brave, kochanie. You’re safe with Delphine and you’ll be safe with Jane and Duncan and soon you’ll be back home safe with your Mummy. OK?’ And she nods her head again.

  I want to be safe with Paulina til I can go home with Mummy but I remember that Paulina is going to look after Toby so I nod my head too and Paulina lifts me onto my feet and she unwraps the red blanket and she says, ‘Would you like to carry Para-Ted or shall I put him in your bag?’

  I squeeze Para-Ted tight to my chest. Paulina picks up my bag and gives it to Delphine and then she kneels down and wraps me up in a warm, squeezy cuddle and she whispers, ‘Your Mummy will be so proud of you, Jesika,’ and then I’m holding Delphine’s hand and we’re walking down the long, long room back to the magic sliding doors.

  Just afore we get there, I look ahind me and Paulina is standing by the door of the room and she smiles and waves and blows me a kiss and then we’re outside in the shivery-cold dark and we’re walking, walking, walking past cars and cars and cars til we get to one that beeps. Delphine opens the door in the back and she lifts me onto a car seat and pulls my straps over me and clicks it in and pulls it tight and then she gets in the front and the engine roars and the car moves and we’re out on a road and orange lights are sliding down and down and down on me.

  I want Mummy.

  13

  IT’S HOTHOTHOT, LIKE T-shirt and shorts hot, cept I’ve got a big, squashy coat on and a hat and gloves and a scarf tight around my neck and I’m wet and sticky all over and too too hot. My feet SLAP, SLAP, SLAP on the pavement cos I’m running but I don’t know where I’m running to. Maybe it’s the swings cos I think this is the right way to go there, cept the street looks different, like someone’s picked up all the shops and put them back down in the wrong places and some are bigger and some are smaller and some aren’t even the right colour.

  I keep running and running and there’s more and more and more shops and I don’t know when I’m going to get to the swings. I need to have a rest but I can’t make my legs stop, they just keep running and running.

  ‘Jesika, stop!’

  I can’t stop. I look ahind me but my legs keep running. Far, far, a long way ahind me is Mummy and she’s pushing Toby in his buggy and he’s leaning over holding out his hands to me and Mummy shouts, ‘Jesika, STOP!’

  But I can’t stop and I can’t turn round and run back to Mummy, my legs just keep running far and far and far away and Mummy keeps shouting, ‘Jesika, Jesika, JESIKA!’

  Eyes open.

  ‘Jesika?’

  Where am I?

  ‘Hi, Jesika.’

  I’m not running now. I’m lying in a small, soft bed all by myself and the walls are yellow and the curtains are yellow and there’s swirly patterns on the curtains and they touch right down to the floor and it must be sunny on the other side cos the curtains are shining with light and I can hear birds singing like when we go to the park and I can smell a yummy baker-shop smell.

  ‘Just a bad dream, Jesika, but it’s gone away now.’

  My belly squeezes hard. I turn my head away from the window and there’s a man sitting near the bottom of the bed. I know his face and his eyes and his glasses that are like Daddy’s. He stands up and comes and kneels on the floor next to me and he lifts a hand like he’s going to stroke my head like Daddy used to cept he stops and puts his hand away again.

  He says, ‘Do you remember me, Jesika?’

  I remember his face and his voice but I don’t remember why I’m in this room that I don’t know. Where’s Mummy?

  The man pushes his glasses against his nose. My Daddy does that too. Am I at my Daddy’s house far, far away? Did Mummy bring me to see Daddy?

  I say, ‘Daddy?’

  The man shakes his head and says, ‘Duncan.’

  I say, ‘What’s Duncan?’

  The man says, ‘No, Duncan is what I’m called. It’s my name. I’m Duncan. Do you remember? Me and my wife, Jane, are looking after you for a day or two until your Mummy is better.’

  My belly squeezes even more hard. What’s wrong with Mummy? My belly squeezes and pushes, getting more and more big inside me, and it’s hurting and hurting. Am I still dreaming the bad dream?

  He says, ‘Do you remember? Delphine brought you here from the hospital in the night.’

  The hopsipal?

  … flashy blue lights … shivery-cold … Toby on a bed … blue circles and purple leaves … a lady with crinkly eyes and a buzzy voice …

  The hopsipal! We went in an ambulance cos Toby wasn’t breathing proply. I went with Paulina and Mummy said she’d come and find me, but she didn’t. Did she get lost?

  Duncan says, ‘Jesika, do you remember? Do you remember Delphine?’

  … a dark, shivery car … orange lights sliding down and down and down … on a pavement, pink light in the sky … holding a scratchy hand �
�� a red door … and falling, falling …

  Did Mummy come with me to the red door? She doesn’t have scratchy hands.

  Duncan says, ‘You were barely awake when you got here so I carried you upstairs and I put you straight into bed, right here.’

  My hurty belly fills up all my insides and it’s a really BIG hurty that squeezes and squashes all my breathing. I need to wake up and tell Mummy it’s a bad dream and Mummy will cuddle me and the hurty pain will go away. I have to tell Mummy RIGHT NOW afore I stop breathing like Toby.

  I sit up quick as quick and push the bed covers off and cold smacks my legs. I look down and my pyjama bottoms are all wet and sticking to my legs and it feels real cold and real wet and not like a dream at all.

  Duncan says, ‘Oh dear, not to worry. Let’s get you out of those wet things. I’ve got your clothes right here in your bag.’ He reaches over to something and then he’s holding up my preschool bag and unzipping it and pulling out my yellow top with the red and orange butterfly and my purple trousers and my green zippy top and my pants and socks. How did all that get here? Did Mummy bring it?

  Duncan stands up and bends over me and, oh! He’s lifted me right out of the bed and now I’m standing on the carpet and it’s so fluffy and my toes sink right into it. Duncan picks up my clothes and holds out his hand to hold and says, ‘Let’s go to the bathroom,’ and I think maybe that’s where Mummy is and I take his hand and we walk out of the bedroom into a big space with doors and stairs that go down and it’s like the upstairs at Paige’s house but there’s more doors.

  We walk to one of the doors and Duncan opens it and inside it’s a giantnormous bathroom that’s shiny white all round the walls and there’s sparkly blue bits that look like oshun waves and there’s a bath and a toilet and two sinks next to each other with a huge mirror above them and next to that there’s a cupboard that has glass walls all the way from the floor to the ceiling and there’s nothing in it cept some metal thing stuck on the wall.

  Mummy’s not here.

  I say, ‘Where’s Mummy?’

  Duncan kneels down in front of me and says, ‘Your Mummy and your little brother are both staying at the hospital so the doctors can look after them and help them get better. You’re staying here for a day or two with me and Jane until your Mummy feels better and can come and get you.’

  The Big Hurty squeezes and squashes inside me. Mummy’s not here.

  Duncan puts his hand on my shoulder and says, ‘Try not to worry. As soon as your Mummy feels better, she’ll come and get you.’

  But Mummy doesn’t know the way. Mummy didn’t bring me here. The other lady bringed me here. Mummy doesn’t know where this house is.

  Duncan says, ‘Come on, let’s get you sorted. Do you want me to take your bottoms off, or can you do it yourself?’

  I say, ‘I can do it myself,’ and I start to pull them down and it feels cold on my nudey bottom and then I remember Mummy saying at bedtime about private pants and I stop and pull my bottoms back up again cos Duncan doesn’t live in my house.

  He says, ‘Do you want me to help you?’

  I say, ‘No.’

  He says, ‘OK, you take them off, then.’

  I say, ‘No.’

  He says, ‘OK. Right. Well, I think you’ll have to take them off if you’re going to get dressed.’

  I need to tell him about private pants but all the words that Mummy said are tricky and they’re all mixed up in my head and I can’t make them come out of my mouth. I need Mummy to come and tell him.

  I say, ‘No,’ cos that’s easy to say.

  Duncan pushes his glasses against his nose again and he looks over his shoulder out of the bathroom door and he looks at me and I don’t think he knows what to do. I don’t think he knows that he has to go away and then I can take my bottoms off and get dressed myself.

  I say, ‘You need to go away.’

  Duncan says, ‘Right, OK. Wait right there,’ and he stands up and walks out of the bathroom and I hear him outside the room calling, ‘Jane?’ and then, ‘Jane?’

  I take off my bottoms and my skin feels all sticky. I have to wipe off the sticky cos that’s what Mummy tells me to do when I have a wet bed. I can’t see any sponges but there’s a blue cloth hanging on the edge of the bath, just like the cloths that we have in our bathroom for wiping our faces, so I make it wet under the bath tap and squeeze it and wipe myself all over the sticky bits and then I look around and there’s a blue towel hanging on a metal bar next to the sinks and I pull it off the bar and dry myself and it’s so so fluffy.

  ‘Jesika?’

  I turn round and Duncan’s coming back through the door and my bottom’s all nudey and I have to use my Big Voice now cos he’s not listening to me so I shout, ‘GO AWAY!’ and I run to shut the bathroom door but he’s come too far in and there’s a lady with him and she’s got a frowny face and Duncan says, ‘It’s OK, Jesika, this is Jane, and she’s going to help you and I’m going to go away, OK?’ and he goes out and shuts the door and it clicks and then it’s just me and the lady called Jane. But Jane doesn’t live in my house either. I need Mummy. Only Mummy is allowed to help me.

  I say, ‘You’re not my Mummy. You have to go away.’

  Jane sits on the edge of the bath and she presses her hands atween her legs and she’s still frowning but she’s smiling a bit too and she says, ‘No, I’m not your Mummy, but it’s my job, and Duncan’s, to help you and look after you until your Mummy feels better.’

  Then Jane stands up and she says, ‘So, let’s get you dressed, OK?’ and she picks up my pants and she holds them out to me to step into but I have to put them on myself, cos of private pants, and I need Jane to go away but she’s not going away so I pull my pants out of Jane’s hands and I say, ‘No!’ and I run to the bathroom door and try to push the handle down to open it but it’s too hard to push and I can’t make it open and Jane’s coming to get me and she’s not going to let me go out …

  let-me-out-door-handle-stuck-let-me-out-want-Mummy-scared-LET-ME-OUT-BITE!

  The door’s open and my feet run and run and I don’t know which way to go and then I’m back in the yellow bedroom and I can hear someone coming to get me. It must be Jane, cos I bited her. I didn’t even know I was going to do it. Jane must be so cross.

  I have to hide!

  I can’t hide in the bed cos all the covers have been taken off but there’s a space under the bed so I get on my belly and Para-Ted’s on the floor next to my bag so I grab him and I squeeze and squash right into the corner and it’s dark and I squash my face into Para-Ted and he smells nice and I keep breathing and breathing and breathing his smell and I can see Paulina in my head and it remembers me about her magic words but I can’t hear them and all my whole body hurts and hurts and I curl up tight and close my eyes and pretend I’m playing hide and seek with Toby and Mummy and if I squeeze my eyes tight and tight Toby or Mummy will creep up ahind me and tickle me and shout, ‘Found You!’

  It’s not Mummy that finds me. It’s Jane and she’s reaching under the bed to me and she must be so so cross. She says, ‘You must be cold and uncomfortable under there, Jesika. Why don’t you come out and I’ll help you get dressed.’

  I’m not cold. It’s warm under here. I’m lying on a fluffy carpet that’s snuggly like a teddy bear and not scratchy and hard like the carpet in my house. And I think Jane still has to be cross with me for biting and I don’t want her to be cross. I wriggle right away from Jane’s hand and turn to the wall and press my nose into Para-Ted and breathe and breathe his smell.

  It’s quiet, like the day I waked up afore it was morning, but even more quiet cos I can’t even hear veekles outside or Mummy and Toby breathing or the building making clicks and clanks and moans. This building isn’t saying anything and all I can hear is my own breath going in and out of my mouth.

  Then I hear, ‘I don’t think I can do this, Duncan,’ and it’s Jane’s voice and it’s not right under the bed now, it’s more far away.<
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  I roll back over and I can see two lots of feet standing near the bed. One has blue socks on and the other has black socks with pictures of birds. What is it Jane can’t do?

  Duncan says, ‘Shhh!’ The birdie feet move away where I can’t see them and then the blue ones move away too. I wriggle away from the wall til I can see them again, standing next to the open door.

  Jane says, ‘High-school kids only. We agreed,’ and her voice is whispery and spiky.

  Duncan whispers, ‘We also said we’d never say “no”. I couldn’t say “no”.’

  The feet turn and they’re pointing towards each other, almost touching.

  Jane whispers, ‘I know. I know. And she must be so scared. But …’

  The feet shuffle forwards even more close and there’s more whispers and I don’t know who’s whispering now but I think it must be Jane telling Duncan all about me biting. The Big Hurty pushes and squeezes inside me. I think they are whispering that the lady has to come back and take me away and I have to live somewhere else and it might be so so far away that Mummy will never ever find me.

  I roll back to the wall and curl up small and press Para-Ted into my face and breathe …

  Breathe …

  Breathe …

  14

  IT’S TRICKY-HARD STAYING curled up small. My knees keep slipping down and something keeps tickling on my nose. Maybe it’s a spider. I like spiders cos they’re clever at spinning webs and so gentle cos they spin their webs with teeny-tiny sticky string that’s nearly invibisle and they never even break it, only people do. But can spiders see in the dark? If they can’t, the spider might not know I’m here and it might crawl into my mouth or up my nose. Ugh! I don’t want a spider to do that!

  I press my lips tight and pinch my nose cept now it’s even harder to curl up small cos I’ve got one hand on Para-Ted and one hand on my nose and no hands holding my knees tight. If I was the hungry caterpillar, it would be easy-peasy cos I could just make a cocoon all round me and then everything in my body would stay curled up tight and nothing would tickle my nose and no spiders would crawl anywhere they’re not apposed to.